Pieces of Me

Just a couple days ago
Feeling numb
Lost
Empty
Aimless
Apathetic          
Not sure
Which way to go
Sitting
On the road
In the rain


What’s the focus?
My mom?
The children?
Work?
Dinner?
My own peace of mind?
All need attention
None are getting exactly
What they need
My highest place
Connected before
But now
Where did it go?
Lost in the swamp

Now I almost miss
Feeling numb
Wishing pain
Wasn’t so painful
Hurts so bad

Tonight
I laid
Next to my mom
With her hand
On my head
I cried
And cried
Like a little girl
With a broken heart
I could’ve stayed
Like that
All night
Crying
Next to my mama

I see where this is going
My mother’s time
My sister
And her children
Leaving
Going home
Somehow
I thought
We would stay
All together
Again
Til the end
I need them
My siblings
Together
Strong
Taking turns
Being weak


We had those times
Not long enough
All together
Me
My sis
Four kids
In one little room
Snug & Sweet
Cozy
As could be
Comfort
In the closeness
Of us
Wishing
Time
Could last forever
Stand still
Under one roof
In our mother’s house


Now
It’s no longer
Time is done
They are back
Portland Home
My mom
Here
But they’re gone
Piece of me
Gone forever

It’s done
Can’t turn back
Time
Heart broken
Longing for more
Of the one thing
We don’t have
Time
Together

Been away
A long time
Living life
Not here
But there
I know
It had to be
It was good
 
But now
What if’s
Of the life
I didn’t lead
Here
Those pieces
Of me
I would’ve known
Maybe
Maybe not
Or maybe
Now’s the time
To get them back

One week ago
I drove
Home
To my mom’s house
Left turn
To her house
I turn right
To my old homes  
Apartments that grew me
I went to say hello
To get back
Those pieces of me
I left there

Ages 5 to 13  
I pull up
In front
Of that house
Turn off the car
I listen
To the house
It tells me
You’re done
With the pain
These walls
Held
You know that well

Now take the rest
Pieces of you
You left here
Your gifts
Poetry
Dancing
Theater
Take those pieces of you
And the joy
Goodness of life
Go
They are with you
Now

And I go
I take them back
Pieces of me
Always been there
Buried
Now
Just remembering
To use them
Enjoy them
Practicing
Living my dreams
Letting go of the rest

And I drive
To the next house
On the street
Full of children
Where my best friend & I met
When we were three
I went first
Past her old house
Send some pieces of her
Back
Home to her

Then
I pull up
Park in front
That house
3 to 5 years
Wait
For the pieces
Of me
To return
Feeling confused
Because
This house
Is empty


Then I remember
Last September
In NY
I got her back
That girl
With the long hair
Who loved purple
That girl
Who became a grown-up
In that house
Little old lady girl

Heart of human existence
She felt at home there
Got her strength
She knew people’s pain
Universal
Humanity’s common bond
I got her back
Last September
Her sparkle too
I set her free
To come back to me

Sometimes
She says
She doesn’t know how to fly
Maybe that’s true
Maybe that’s not her thing
Pain isn’t light like feathers
And she is of a different place
Learning how to be with her
She is teaching me of her ways
That go deep
Roots of ancient trees
Where darkness dwells
Where life springs forth

That little girl
How I am to be her
As a grown woman
Not quite sure
Yet
Takes time
Learning
Bringing
Old pieces
Of me
Back
Where they belong
I wobble
Like a baby
Learning
How to walk
I write
I dance
Strong & true


What else can I do?
Welcome them back
Bitter
Sweet
My mom’s gift
And her legacy too