Tell 'em what they can do.

Do you have one of these types of people in your life….
Bossy and controlling.
Always telling you what to do.
And pointing out what you did wrong.
You know the type, right?

Do you want to spend time with this person?
Probably not.
Let’s hope this person isn’t your boss.
That’s the worst because they have power over you.

As well-meaning parents,
we often act like
that bossy, negative, controlling, domineering boss 
we can’t stand.

With our children, we might sound like this,
“Don’t hit!”
“Don’t run in the road!”
“Don’t talk to me like that!”
“Don’t take that from the baby.”
"Don't throw the ball in the house."

Do you feel good about yourself
When someone is always
telling you what not to do?

Either do our little ones.
Children who feel better, do better,
as we say in Positive Discipline.
---and that goes for grown-ups too.

Now, I hear the questions in your mind...

But what DO I say to my child?

What if there is a safety issue?

How do I let them know this is serious?

They were wrong, and they need to hear it.

What if they don’t listen to me?

What if they never learn?

I hear you.
Breathe, friends.
There's another way.
A way for you to.....

communicate the most clearly
so your children
can most understand you,
and
in a way in which they will most want to listen to you.

All with the peace of mind
knowing you're teaching your children
positive life skills,
and what they can do to be successful in life--
not just what you don't want them to do.

Telling your children what they can do
takes practice + patience,
like learning a new language.

1-2-3 Steps to Telling Children What They Can Do
aka "Do Statements:"

1. Know in your heart & soul: You are good people.

You’re a good person, and your children are good people too. Believe in your inherent goodness. What you see as misbehavior in your children is simply their job--- and how they learn. Your job is to know it’s all good, and that part of being human is learning through our mistakes. From this place of goodness, you say and do things that help them learn what is respectful, kind, compassionate, and responsible.  So, #1 in parenting, and in life: know in your heart & soul, you are good people.

​
     2.    What should your child be doing *right* now?
Now, you probably  know right off the bat you want your child to stop. doing. what. they're. doing. Like yesterday. Just stop that hitting, crying, throwing, jumping, running, or taking.  
But should they be doing?
If you know what your children can do, they will know what they can do.
And the amazing thing is with this clarity + positivity, they usually do exactly what we want them to do!

So, how can you translate what they shouldn't be doing -------> to what they should be doing?   Some ideas to get you going....

              "Don't run." becomes --------> "Walk, please." or "We walk like this..."    
        
              "Don't yell at me." becomes -----------> "Say, excuse me."
            
              "Don't stand in your chair." becomes ---------> "We sit in our chairs."

© Enoch Lai

​​"Don't take that toy."

becomes

"Let's ask for a turn."

---

      3.  Sync it up with positivity!
So much of communication is in non-verbals. We might be saying something positive to our children, but our shoulders are to our ears, our face is strained, and there's frustration in our voice. Hey, it happens to all of us. Please be patient with you. 
If can you think of it, relax into the statement, get a picture in your mind of your little one doing what you want them to do, get down on their level, look them in the eye, smile, and say confidently what you are wanting to see happen next. Here's some ways you can embody the positive "Do Statement" with every fiber of your being.

• Think what your child should be doing.
• Say the positive "Do Statement."
• Match up your tone of voice, body language, & facial expressions to the message you are sending of what your child can do.
• As a bonus, you can do the action of what it is you want your child to be doing, like sitting down or using walking feet, if that's what you're telling them to do. Children learn mostly from our modeling (what we do, not what we say), so adding in an action is one powerfully positive and effective act you can take.
  
  

 Voila! You are lighting up the path from misbehavior to positive behavior for your child.

While I hope this tool transforms your children's behavior, remember there is no magic pill to address every challenging behavior.  

I do promise you, the more you embody the positive, and your needs are met as a parent, the more positive change you will see at home.

Please be patient with you, and your children.

Remember children may need to hear the same thing up to 2,000 times before they learn it! (This is a Facebook fact, and not scientifically proven but it helps keep things in perspective.)


Wishing you all the best in parenting, and in life---
and let me know how it goes!

Megan

p.s. Did you enjoy this tool? Would you like to continue your positive parenting practice to bring more fun + more peace to your home? Join 4 weeks of Parenting for the Next Generation Online Class + Community! Join the community + the movement to reclaim your birthright to a happy home!