May 3rd

Exactly
24 hours after my mom
Has left her body
The phone rings
In the middle of the night
Just after 4 am
I am awake
Anyhow

Because
It's all a dream
Surreal
Yet all too real
My mom died
Peacefully
At home
Surrounded 
By loved ones
Period

But there's more
To the story
What I don't know
What was happening
Inside of her
What I do know
What was happening
Inside of me

I arrived at 11 pm
Sat with her
For a bit
Then
Emotionally pace
Myself
I thought
For the days
Ahead

So I went
To the computer
To catch up on
My future
My work 
With families
I typed
And created
With half of me
On her
And half of me
On my future
Knowing
That's what
She wants

When 
Her breathing
Began
That way
I moved 
To the chair
Crying
Curled up
Like a baby
Feeling helpless
Beyond belief

For people
Don't talk
Dying
Even 
For a culture
Consumed
With Death

So I didn't know
What to expect
Gasping 
For air
At every breath
Her attempt
To talk
To communicate
Something
To us
A need
A want
A final request
Couldn't understand

And I thought
This is hell
This suffering
Pace
Myself
For 2 more days
Of this
I thought
For sure
She would
Hold on

I didn't think
This was it
The final
Ritual of life
But this was it
I didn't know
As I sat 
In the chair
Crying
In a ball
Like a baby
Desperate
For help
To help her

Flooded
With fear 
Suffering 
Of a loved one
I could not help
I sat in the chair
Crying
Hating the pain
Of suffering
Unalleviated

Feeling 
As I did
As a child
Witnessing
Experiencing
Abuse
I could not stop
Helpless
I would be
Drowning in 
My own puddle 
Of pain

Can't take it
Any longer
I get up
Call Hospice
For some help
What to do
What to expect
The nurse was sweet
And what she said
I don't remember
Exactly
This is just
What happens
Or something close
To that
And
Did I read Chapters 6 & 7
In the Hospice book
On End of Life?

Nope
I didn't
Read Chapters 6 & 7
In the Hospice book
On End of Life
Ill prepared
I was for
The Dying of My Mother

I go back
To the computer
And the chair
To part of me
With her
To part of me
With my future
To part of me
With my past

And then
About 3:30
In the morning
I read
Chapters 6 & 7
In the Hospice book
On End of Life
So I read it
And I get it
The physical part
The body shutting down
The gasping for breath
For life
What happens
The months
Before death
The weeks
Before death
The days
Before death
The hours
Before death
The moments
Before death
What happens

Back 
To the chair
I go
Curled up
Like a baby
Still not thinking
This is it
Restless again
Back to the book
In the kitchen
I read
The 
Moments
Before 
Death

When
I finish
That sentence
Moments 
Before 
Death
Right on cue
Her breathing
Does
Just 
That
Changes
Mellow
Surrender
We 
All 
Rise
Around 
Her

I hold her hand
Tell her 
I love her
We all love her
Is there more?
I don't know
But these are
Her 
Last 
Breaths 
Of 
Life
Peaceful
She is
Finally
Peaceful
Finally
Liberated
From her
Good 
Hard 
Life

Even when
Her Breath of Life
Is gone
I don't realize
She is no longer
With us
This is it?
What?
How could this be?

Then I see
It is
The end
Her new beginning
Now
Her peace
Is with her
Now
I can be with her
Now
Her pain
Her suffering
Is done

I hold her hand
Stroke
Her hair
Her face
Offer a flower
On her chest
From her last bouquet

And she tells me
Strong and Clear
Face Fear with Love
And I get it
The teachings
Sometimes
Come in the inverse
The contrary
Backwards
As are the times

And this
Face Fear With Love
Is her final message
To me
To understand
What is her legacy
To us
Her children
Her grandchildren

I am
In the bed
Next to her
Holding her hand
Kissing her forehead
Stroking her hair
Wishing forever
Was a day
I stay there
Until she gets cold
And it's time 
To let go
Of Life
Of My Mother
Dead
Now 
So 
Peaceful
Pure
Beautiful
Angelic
Strong in the Love

I try 
To keep her
With us
But
Body changes
When Spirit 
Is free
But I try
Because
She is 
So beautiful
To see
To know
Her now
Like this
As she
Embodies
Peace

I leave 
Before
They come
To take her
Because
That
I can't bear 
To see 
Her go
Wishing
We could hold
Her With Us
Forever
And a day

Can I
Press Rewind
On the last
12 hours
Or even
Back
To the Eclipse
So I could know
These were
Her last
Because
I didn't know
Never thought
Even her last breath
I didn't know
She was gone

If I had know
I only needed
To be strong
For 5 hours
Not days
I could have
Done it
But I didn't know
Was planning
For days of dying
Days we didn't have

So I sat
With parts of me
In my past
In my future
In her present
If I had known
I would
Have given
Her my all
But 
I didn't
I couldn't
Know
Wasn't meant 
To be
She's gone
Mourning 
Her
Yes
But truly
Happy
For her Peace
For her Liberation
Today
I prayed
For my peace
With my absence
Even though I was there

I cried
To her friends
How traumatic
That time was
How I kept my distance
From that pain
When she needed me most
And they said
I did my best
But my best
Wasn't enough
I can accept
That truth

For 
My mom
Knows 
How it feels
Because
Her best
When 
I was a kid
Wasn't enough
Either

So
We closed
That chapter
Of fear
Of freezing
Of Suffering
Unalleviated
Of pain
That takes over
And debilitates

Unbearable
That trauma
Is still with me
From my childhood
And
From the hours
Before she died

But
The peace
Did come
With her last breath
She set us free
From the cycle
Of unprotected innocence
That is what she did
In her passing
Between
Her and Creator

Now we're free
And the space
She left
Is golden
Filled
With a Strong Love
For in her dying
She is teaching me
How 
To live
How 
To Face Fear
With Love

Thanks
Mama
I miss 
You
I 
Went
To 
Ask 
You
Questions
Today
But
You 
Were
Gone
All the answers
You left 
Them
Inside of me