intrinsic motivation

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as parents today
we want our children
to be motivated by
kindness
love
respect
generosity
peace

we want to instill
these high-minded
values and ethics
into their hearts + minds

the latin root
of the word discipline
means "to teach"
discipline doesn't mean
to punish or reward

discipline is the teaching
of our children's inner guidance
designed to be a compass
to guide them throughout
their entire lives

yet the old system
of discipline
based on punishment + rewards
still found in parenting approaches
(and our schools, judicial system,
& most workplaces)
is severely out-dated

understanding the history of the
punishment + reward system:
based on experiments 
from the 1960's with lab rats
the punishment + reward system
originated from
positive and negative reinforcements
which were revolutionary for the time
and replaced corporal punishment

so instead of "the belt" at home
and 
the ruler over the knuckles at school
children were punished with: 
* time-outs, 
* dunce caps, 
(thank goodness these are obsolete),
* writing "I will not...." 100 times
* yelling + shaming 
* and if a child really "deserved it"
- spanking
to try to stop the "bad" behavior

and children were rewarded with: 
* gold stars,
* teacher's praise,
(or becoming a "teacher's pet)
* parental love + acceptance
("you're mom/dad's favorite")
* or candy
to keep the "good" behavior going

as one of the parents
in our community pointed out
-- the punishment + reward model
is a HUGE improvement
to beating children

most definitely true
- but punishments & rewards
are still fear-based
and 100% based on what
works for rats' brains
- not children's brains

when we motivate children
with a punishment or a reward
we manipulate their behavior
with something positive or negative
from the outside
(like getting or taking away
device time or ice cream)
this is called extrinsic motivation

in the short term
we may get children to change
their behavior
(so they get that screen time
or sweet treat)
but chances are behavior
change doesn't happen
because children
want to be nicer to their sibling
or learn the value of homework

extrinsic motivation
can be successful in the short term
but research continues to show
extrinsic motivation
can actually decrease
workplace performance
and can diminish our children's
internal motivation
and their growth mindset
in the long-term

how to make the shift from
extrinsic to internal motivation:
educating ourselves about
the research on the incredible power
of using intrinsic motivation
to guide and teach our children
is step #1

step #2 is changing
our parenting practices
to develop
this internal locus of control
in our children
in which behavior
is seen for what it is
just the tip of the iceberg

so life
learning
and kindness + respect
become their own reward
and we're building
motivation from within
everyday in our children's lives

what to do if you're using
extrinsic motivation to parent:
if you find
you are depending
on external motivators
to get your children to cooperate
it's ok!
- have compassion for yourself

we are all part of
this positive change movement
and awareness + compassion
are the first keys to positive change

remember fear-based parenting
has been part of our dna for 500 years
it will take time + collective support
to change
 
so today
be a gentle observer and notice
how you feel and
how your children respond
to punishment + rewards

we'll continue building upon
tools that can help you in the shift
from extrinsic to intrinsic motivation
(a great place to begin is checking out
the highlighted concepts above in this post
that will connect you to some great reading material)

as always
- enjoy the journey
and know we're all in this together
learning + growing as we go
- just like our children.

You Got This.

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