Grandma Mary's Birthday

Today is my mom's birthday. She would have been 64. It's her first birthday not being here. I've felt a little bit of everything today. Sad of course. Inspired I am here alive. Thankful for all the gifts she gave me: love of friends & family, the Earth, art, and laughter.  I cried a lot looking through photos of her on my computer today. Searching for that perfect picture to post. Realizing I don't have one on my computer, for which I cried a different type of tears.  

As one friend said, "losing your mom is like losing your way, no matter how old you are." True that. Since I lived far away from my mom the last 15 years, our relationship was mostly over the phone. I miss those lifeline phone calls. She was the only person I could call to chat before 7 am. She was always supportive of me. She worried, but what mom doesn't? I'm learning the art of practicing trust & empowerment with my own child. 

A few weeks ago, I really wanted to talk to her.  Hear her voice. My mom was a great listener. I called her cell. Just to see. You never know; maybe she'd answer. Or I'd have some great conversation with a stranger. "This person is currently unavailable," was what I got. Not even temporarily unavailable. I tried. But it's a different kind of communication to connect with her now.

This week she has been with me, more than ever since she passed away. I know in my heart that she is 100 % there for me. It's a matter of me unlocking my fears & pain to be able to connect with her.  Of me forgiving her. Forgiveness is one of the many life themes I am working on. Still. It gets tiring. This work of forgiveness. Haven't I done enough forgiveness in my life? When can I be done?  Like we are ever done with forgiveness.  And I know as forgive her, I'm able to listen to all she has to teach me and receive her gifts. 

My mom shared many gifts with me today.

• This card sits right in front of my computer screen, so I see it while I type. 
  

My sister and I sent this to our mom for her birthday right before my son was born six years ago. It is such a powerful statement of how I feel about my life, your life, and every person's life. If I can do my small part to support people in following their hearts, I will have done something for the world. And the biggest piece of that is living my own life purpose, doing in my heart what I know I am meant to do.

• Gratitude, too. Being thankful for my life. Because I really do love my life. Even though sometimes I forget.  Today I met with a parent through my Parenting Ally program who reminded me the importance of being thankful.  She is reading Maya Angelou's latest book, which is autobiographical. (I forgot to ask her for the title. When I did a google search for the book, I found Mom & Me & Mom about Maya Angelou's relationship with her own mother.  I wonder if this is it?)  Yes, being thankful.  What the parent shared from the book  is the power of having gratitude for the simple things that are actually huge, and that we often take for granted. I have the ability to write this post. I can think. I can get up and walk into the kitchen. So much to be thankful for. Truly. 

• A beautiful, inspiring message from Lauryn Hill unstuck my writer's block today.   Powerful three minutes.  Give it a listen.
  

• A walk in the woods. Fall was my mom's favorite time of year. The leaves are still so beautiful here in Oregon. Not like New York, but pretty still.
  

• Back to looking for a picture of my mom.  I want to find one that captures her essence. Then I remember one of my all time favorite picture of my mom is on Facebook. Her senior picture.
  

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When she had so much life in her. Beautiful lady. Inside and out.  Miss her so. Happy Birthday, Mom. Thanks for all the gifts.