depths of fall

don't get me wrong
i love pumpkins
crisp air
red leaves
the smell of applesauce & cinnamon
cooking on the stove

my mom loved fall
was her favorite time of year
the season has its beauty
a regalness
an elegance
that builds on summer
​in fall
i celebrate her

a sunny fall day
has the best light for pictures
trips to the pumpkin patch
i love the earlier nights
so my son gets a full
11 hours of sleep
boots
cozy sweaters
yeah, 
fall is cool

but i'm not gonna lie
summer is my fav
i cry a little inside
when we're back to school
heat waves are over
my glow from within
doesn't shine as bright
i used the dryer today
for the first time today in months
first day i wore boots since last spring

you can tell who the real oregonians are
by birth or by heart
those people relieved for rain and gloom
not me
but i'm happy the plants are happy
for rain

my love of the sun
long days of light
heat
some of it is my mediterranean constitution
some of it is that i've had enough gloom
in my life

i know what it's like
gloom
same reason i don't like horror movies
i know scary
i know evil
i don't like to hang out there
i don't play around with
the depths of humanity
fall reminds me of that
​
a mourning of sorts
reality check
that we can't shine all the time
a reminder to go inward
to make hearth and home
​find peace within

i imagine
i'm not the only person
growing up in an abusive home
who's still a little scared of the dark
who prefers longs days of sunlight
being out of the house
outdoors
in nature
free from oppression
shining bright in the summer sun

fall reminds
there is always more peace to be found
to make my life
my home
a cozy place
for myself
that my sun shines within
more like a fireplace now

this fall
in particular
a poignant one
racial injustice
global oppression
breaking free
from oppression
withing
as i push to birth
my gold
fall
like my life
the sweetness
the depth
the integration
of the whole

the picture of the whole
of the seasons
of my childhood
of racial oppression
injustices
everywhere
​all real 
some too real

fall reminds me
to honor the depth
the sad wisdom from oppression
the eternal longing to be free
triumph of the human spirit
to find peace in the injustice
of some children's homes
and systemic racism

but maybe i got that all wrong
there's no peace in injustice
only peace in justice
the work towards justice
freedom for all

fall reminds me of my deepest longings
freedom for all
​pumpkin spice too
my mom's birthday
and that summer will return
the next roll of the year
justice too 
for all the world's children
​i hope