Power to the Parents!

The sleepless
frustrated
overwhelmed 
and
hopeless,
especially.


Because we've all been there...
Parenting can be hard
on an easy day.

And every day,
you do the most amazing work.
You deserve to feel:
supported,
empowered,
successful,
confident,
and
peaceful.

This is the foundation of
Parenting for the Next Generation
----and the last call--- 
Join my on-line
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ending tonight Friday,
October 23rd.

This Fall...
Unlock your magic.
Your wisdom.
All that makes you,
uniquely you.

This isn't just parenting work.
It's the essence of life work.
All about you:
in your power,
in your flow,
in your grace.

You.
Able to face 
the daily challenges of life:
the tears
the messes
the "no's"
morning to night.

You.
strong
calm
confident.
The best of you.

Join the Parenting for the Next Generation
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Do you have one of these types of people in your life….
Bossy and controlling.
Always telling you what to do.
And pointing out what you did wrong.
You know the type, right?

Do you want to spend time with this person?
Probably not.
Let’s hope this person isn’t your boss.
That’s the worst because they have power over you.

As well-meaning parents,
we often act like
that bossy, negative, controlling, domineering boss 
we can’t stand.

With our children, we might sound like this,
“Don’t hit!”
“Don’t run in the road!”
“Don’t talk to me like that!”
“Don’t take that from the baby.”
"Don't throw the ball in the house."

Do you feel good about yourself
When someone is always
telling you what not to do?

Either do our little ones.
Children who feel better, do better,
as we say in Positive Discipline.
---and that goes for grown-ups too.

Now, I hear the questions in your mind...

But what DO I say to my child?

What if there is a safety issue?

How do I let them know this is serious?

They were wrong, and they need to hear it.

What if they don’t listen to me?

What if they never learn?

I hear you.
Breathe, friends.
There's another way.
A way for you to.....

communicate the most clearly
so your children
can most understand you,
and
in a way in which they will most want to listen to you.

All with the peace of mind
knowing you're teaching your children
positive life skills,
and what they can do to be successful in life--
not just what you don't want them to do.

Telling your children what they can do
takes practice + patience,
like learning a new language.

1-2-3 Steps to Telling Children What They Can Do
aka "Do Statements:"

1. Know in your heart & soul: You are good people.

You’re a good person, and your children are good people too. Believe in your inherent goodness. What you see as misbehavior in your children is simply their job--- and how they learn. Your job is to know it’s all good, and that part of being human is learning through our mistakes. From this place of goodness, you say and do things that help them learn what is respectful, kind, compassionate, and responsible.  So, #1 in parenting, and in life: know in your heart & soul, you are good people.

​
     2.    What should your child be doing *right* now?
Now, you probably  know right off the bat you want your child to stop. doing. what. they're. doing. Like yesterday. Just stop that hitting, crying, throwing, jumping, running, or taking.  
But should they be doing?
If you know what your children can do, they will know what they can do.
And the amazing thing is with this clarity + positivity, they usually do exactly what we want them to do!

So, how can you translate what they shouldn't be doing -------> to what they should be doing?   Some ideas to get you going....

              "Don't run." becomes --------> "Walk, please." or "We walk like this..."    
        
              "Don't yell at me." becomes -----------> "Say, excuse me."
            
              "Don't stand in your chair." becomes ---------> "We sit in our chairs."

​​"Don't take that toy."

becomes

"Let's ask for a turn."

      3.  Sync it up with positivity!
So much of communication is in non-verbals. We might be saying something positive to our children, but our shoulders are to our ears, our face is strained, and there's frustration in our voice. Hey, it happens to all of us. Please be patient with you. 
If can you think of it, relax into the statement, get a picture in your mind of your little one doing what you want them to do, get down on their level, look them in the eye, smile, and say confidently what you are wanting to see happen next. Here's some ways you can embody the positive "Do Statement" with every fiber of your being.

• Think what your child should be doing.
• Say the positive "Do Statement."
• Match up your tone of voice, body language, & facial expressions to the message you are sending of what your child can do.
• As a bonus, you can do the action of what it is you want your child to be doing, like sitting down or using walking feet, if that's what you're telling them to do. Children learn mostly from our modeling (what we do, not what we say), so adding in an action is one powerfully positive and effective act you can take.
  
  

 Voila! You are lighting up the path from misbehavior to positive behavior for your child.

While I hope this tool transforms your children's behavior, remember there is no magic pill to address every challenging behavior.  

I do promise you, the more you embody the positive, and your needs are met as a parent, the more positive change you will see at home.

Please be patient with you, and your children.

Remember children may need to hear the same thing up to 2,000 times before they learn it! (This is a Facebook fact, and not scientifically proven but it helps keep things in perspective.)


Wishing you all the best in parenting, and in life---
and let me know how it goes!

Megan

p.s. Did you enjoy this tool? Would you like to continue your positive parenting practice to bring more fun + more peace to your home? Join 4 weeks of Parenting for the Next Generation Online Class + Community! Join the community + the movement to reclaim your birthright to a happy home! 

     

I met this woman through a mama community when I was back in my hometown of Utica, NY
last year. She has chosen to keep her story about domestic violence anonymous, and I thank her for sharing her powerful words with us.  #fromtheheartstories

 
We got married when I was 18.
The abuse started after
I was pregnant with my daughter
when I was 22.

We had domestic violence issues,
and it took me a full year to decide to actually leave him.
When I initially filed the first police report,
which involved kicking my husband out of the house,
both sides of the family felt domestic violence
is an issue that should be taken care of inside the family.

It created a stigma for me.
I felt my life was over for me
because of the lack of the support.
And I felt like I was labelled.

So not only did you have the trauma from the abuse,
but also being ostracized from your family?
One cousin even asked me,
what I did to him to cause him to be violent.
Other family members asked if
I was sure I wanted to be a single mother.
So this created a whole year
of going back and forth in my decision.

Were there good times?
Yes. Of course.

That's what people might not realize:
it's not abusive all the time. There's good and bad times.
You're a family, just with a lot of craziness.
And that was part of the problem, 
people only saw the good times.
People want to believe
what they see and can't believe
what's going on behind closed doors.

And some people still believe
that an intact family is a better 
than a family getting divorced. 
With my ex mother-in-law,
there is still a lot of blame.
In my family,
we just don't talk about it. 

I just sat down
and accepted the label
and that life as a single mother.
Once I looked past my family members,
I put positive people around me.

I realized I had to press criminal charges
against my ex husband.
I wasn't responsible for his criminal charges.
He was responsible for his own criminal charges.
That was the first step.
And then creating a support network for me and the children.

I don't really talk about my divorce
because of the fact it was caused by domestic violence abuse.
I want other people to realize that you are not the cause of it.
I did make excuses for a long time,
as what I could be doing to cause the behavior.
I want others to know that everyone
deserves a healthy partnership and relationship.

What about the impact on your children?
My son is the oldest.
He saw and remembers everything.
He mimicked his father for a long time in regard to his sisters.
We worked to reverse his behaviors. 
Like if he hit his sisters, 
I started to focus on his emotional needs
and what he was feeling and how he reacted to that.

And was that something you knew to do intuitively or did you have support?
I have an associates degree in humans services, which is similar to counseling.
But it is difficult to apply that information to your own life.
And I also took the Nurture Class through UCP (United Cerebal Palsy).
I think they offer something similar at the Family Nurturing Center.

Also, if you feel your child is not getting along with peers or family members
you can can bring him/her in to be evaluated
at the Community Health Behavioral Center,
and then learn how to coach them in appropriate behaviors .

How is your son doing now?
He's wonderful...
I mean not perfect, 
his mama says with a smile.

It makes me very happy to know I did the right thing by leaving my ex.
I truly feel healthy relationships are not talked about enough,
whether it's in school or at home. 
Mainly in romantic relationships,
it should be talked about:
how you should be treated,
how you treat others,
and how to maintain your identity.
I don't want to put everything on the schools,
but I think middle school in health or sex education,
healthy relationships should be covered.

As for as breaking the cycle,
if I stayed in the relationship,
I would have a son who thought that is how he is to treat women,
and a daughter who thinks this is the way she should be treated.

What about the impact on your daughter?
My older daughter has some attachment issues.
She's very friendly, but it's difficult for her to attach to people.
She's bubbly, but it's hard for her to trust people.
She always feels like people are going to leave.
I worry how this will affect her as she starts to date.

One time we were shopping
and she saw a mom, dad and baby walking
and she said to me, “I just have you.” 
I see my dad a couple times a week, so it's hard for me to accept.

Did you have an experience with domestic violence as child?
Often patterns are set early in our childhood and then repeat themselves.
No, but my mom is mentally ill.
I remember her kicking me out of the house.
I was looking at an escape from a young age.
Then I got myself into a less than ideal situation.

First, I was defined by having a mentally ill mother.
I remember at 13,
people started to watch me to see if I was going to become bi-polar. ​ 

What I have learned is not to let situations define you. 
I hate when I see people define themselves on a situation and get stuck. 
Then you miss out on the rest of your lives,
and exist only as that person who went through that experience.
I've learned to ignore other people's labels and take care of myself and my children.  
What may have happened to you early in life doesn't define the rest of your existence.
When I was young, I sought an escape from living with a mentally ill mother,
but ultimately my escape led to a less than ideal situation.

I've learned from my experiences,
and today my goal is to give my children
the healthiest home environment possible.
It's important not to feel victimized,
and also to remove people from your life who are full of negativity.
Today, I want to use my experiences to help others have healthier relationships.
Working in my field helping people find services and housing,
is an empowering experience, and I am grateful to be able to help people.

Starting a new chapter allows you to define the person you want to be,
not the person you were once told you were.
So those situations don't define you, they are pages of your life.
​

Nation-wide domestic violence crisis hotline at (800) 799-SAFE.

Resources in the Utica, NY area and Central New York State

Utica:
YWCA Mohawk Valley Crisis Services
Oneida County 24-hour hotline: (315) 797-7740.
Herkimer County 24-hour hotline: (315) 866-4120.

Herkimer:
Catholic Charities
24-hour hotline: 315-866-0458 

Samaritan Counseling Center
(315) 724-5173

Syracuse:
Vera House
24 HOUR CRISIS & SUPPORT LINES: 315.468.3260
​

Resources in the Portland metro area and Columbia County, Oregon

Portland Women's Crisis Line
Phone: 503-235-5333

​
Raphael House
24-hour Crisis Hotline: 503-222-6222
General Organization Calls:  503-222-6507
Emergency shelter in a confidential location, support via a 24-hour housing access line, & transitional housing and advocacy programs,

Oregon Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence
Office: (503) 230-1951
Not an emergency crisis hotline or shelter service.
Use their FIND HELP directory to locate services near you.

Columbia County
​SAFE of Columbia County
24 hour crisis hotline: (866) 397-6161.

 

​p.s. Did you enjoy this post?

Do you connect to my way of supporting parents?

Two options to join my community this Fall

--and the positive parenting movement:

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                                            Join the Calm and Confident Parenting Program:
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                                         More peace. More fun. More respect. More cooperation.
                                                                                              Everyday.
                           Visit the Calm and Confident Parent Program for more information,
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​
p.s.s. You got this. Promise.

You know those moments in parenting.
You're about to scream. 
You do scream.
It's time to get going.  
And your child is not moving.
Melt down looming on the horizon.
This little person can't make a decision.
You're about to start exerting your force.
Or threatening.
Maybe you do.
We all have those moments.
Inevitable part of parenting.
But it doesn't have to end in tears.
Time for a new for a new tool?

​Drum roll please....

Two Positive Choices

One of my favorite Positive Discipline tools.

Here's some steps to get you going and out the door, minus the tears and power struggles.
A way to move forward throughout your day, with an empowered and connected child & self.

#1 = Stay calm 
Take a deep breath. Jump up and down. Leave the room for a quick moment, if possible.
Do what it is you do to return to a neutral space within.
Your child may be upset, but you are in your center. 
You are the calm within the storm.
​Now move forward from your center
into this moment of Two Positive Choices.

#2 Offer a little affirmation
As Amanda, one of my beloved Positive PlayTime parents says, "we all like to be seen and heard."
True, right?
Offering a little affirmation to what your child is experiencing goes a long, long way.

"It's hard to make a decision."
"We all feel upset sometimes."
"You really want to stay at the park."
"I hear you."
"You'd rather play than clean up."

Think how much better you feel when someone is truly listening to you,
without judgment or telling you that your experience is wrong. Our children are the same.
When children feel heard, they are more likely to cooperation.
Check out this book, for more helpful  communication tools.

#3 Two Positive Choices
From that place of calm neutrality, and of respecting the experiences of your children
(even if deep down it drives you crazy that your little one won't just get their @#$! shoes on!),
​offer Two Positive Choices.

Do you want to do that by yourself or with my help?
Would you like to put the puzzle or the game away first?
Do you want to wear your red shirt or blue shirt?
Jacket or sweat shirt? 
Set the table or put the spoons away?
Fly like a bird to the car or moo like a cow?

It really can be that simple.
Two positive choices can be that easy.
A way to move through your day without the struggle or the tears.

Here's a couple other things to keep in mind...

Offer Two Positive Choices that are ok with you.
Sometimes we offer a choice as a parent, and as soon as it comes out of our mouths, we're like why did I offer that as a choice?
Then you have to quickly take it back (usually not an easy thing to do)
Or over-ride your needs for the sake of standing behind your word.
Neither are great options.
If you can move from your calm center, your highest place as a parent,
offering choices that you can stand behind is more likely to happen.
But it still might happen.
It's all part of the process.
Be patient with you.

Is Two Positive Choices not working? At all.
Is your child hungry, tired, or has had a really hard day? Are you majorly stressed out?
When our basic needs aren't met, we are uncooperative beings. Both children and parents.
If your child isn't responding to Two Positive Choices, do a little inventory.

Is either one of us tired?
Hungry? Thirsty?
Am I stressed out as a parent?

If you answered yes, to anyone of these questions, meet the basic need asap.
And if you are majorly stressed out, please be patient with you.
And recognize your child may be mirroring your feelings.
How about a hug?

In your mind, picture your child doing one of those choices.
The more we learn about neuroscience and child development,
the more we realize children are like little mind-readers.
Simply put, children behave the way we think they will.
Picture your child in a good place, empowered and doing what needs to happen next.
This will help your child feel empowered and do what needs to happen next.

Have fun with Two Positive Choices!

While there is no one tool to transform all your parenting challenges,
Two Positive Choices is one of the many positive parenting tools that will bring more ease and cooperation to your home. So you can get out the door with a smile on everyone's face, and say goodbye to tears and power struggles.

Interested in learning more about how positive parenting tools + support from Megan can transform the daily challenges you face? Schedule a complementary 30 minute session with Megan. Learn more about how the Calm + Confident Parent Program can help you become your highest self in parenting, and in life. 

Two Positive Choices
Practice in action