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Today is my mom's birthday. She would have been 64. It's her first birthday not being here. I've felt a little bit of everything today. Sad of course. Inspired I am here alive. Thankful for all the gifts she gave me: love of friends & family, the Earth, art, and laughter. I cried a lot looking through photos of her on my computer today. Searching for that perfect picture to post. Realizing I don't have one on my computer, for which I cried a different type of tears. As one friend said, "losing your mom is like losing your way, no matter how old you are." True that. Since I lived far away from my mom the last 15 years, our relationship was mostly over the phone. I miss those lifeline phone calls. She was the only person I could call to chat before 7 am. She was always supportive of me. She worried, but what mom doesn't? I'm learning the art of practicing trust & empowerment with my own child. A few weeks ago, I really wanted to talk to her. Hear her voice. My mom was a great listener. I called her cell. Just to see. You never know; maybe she'd answer. Or I'd have some great conversation with a stranger. "This person is currently unavailable," was what I got. Not even temporarily unavailable. I tried. But it's a different kind of communication to connect with her now. This week she has been with me, more than ever since she passed away. I know in my heart that she is 100 % there for me. It's a matter of me unlocking my fears & pain to be able to connect with her. Of me forgiving her. Forgiveness is one of the many life themes I am working on. Still. It gets tiring. This work of forgiveness. Haven't I done enough forgiveness in my life? When can I be done? Like we are ever done with forgiveness. And I know as forgive her, I'm able to listen to all she has to teach me and receive her gifts. My mom shared many gifts with me today.
 My sister and I sent this to our mom for her birthday right before my son was born six years ago. It is such a powerful statement of how I feel about my life, your life, and every person's life. If I can do my small part to support people in following their hearts, I will have done something for the world. And the biggest piece of that is living my own life purpose, doing in my heart what I know I am meant to do.
 When she had so much life in her. Beautiful lady. Inside and out. Miss her so. Happy Birthday, Mom. Thanks for all the gifts.
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Month of May
Longest month Of my life A year It was That month I'm certain My mom's house I go To feel The void Of her Ghost town Rest of us Still here Miss her Most In her house Mornings Driving Utica streets Upstate country side Among Rolling Hills Valleys Then too In her house Tears Well up In her kitchen Wishing She were alive In my head I hear Her words But I annoyed you anyhow. You could barely be in the same room with me sometimes. And I laugh And cry Because she is right But I miss her Still Just makes it Harder Complicated Layers Of loss Of sadness Of pain Death So final So empty So lonely Yet the wounds Why do they linger on After she is gone? For one month It's like this Layers Upon Layers Mourning Life Childhood Abuse Cancer Death Lost in layers I am And I don't feel Her Not at all Not one bit Like She's gone Forever Mom You left me Can't you take the pain with you? But the door To possibility To healing I locked Because It hurt Too much Faith Tested For I believe Life and Death Are different rooms In the same house But now Life and Death Feel Disconnected Alien Opposite Of two rooms In the same house Faith What I needed Most Now Gone Had I ever known faith? A hole Was there Where faith Once Lived My wounds Taking Time To heal Left Faith Hanging So I sat In the dark Going Nowhere Siting In the empty Parking lot Of life In a broken car Waiting For a jump Of faith For struggle As well as Joy I know Faith Our common bond I hit a bottom Of my well Not caring One way Or the other Going through the motions Of my life While knowing Deep inside Our well Is eternal But feeling At the moment At the bottom Of my life Then She came To me In a dream But it was real Our time together In that dream No different Than our time Together When she was Alive Except the blocks They were gone And I knew We were both free And she told me Put down the wine glass And create Do my art Be gentle with my boy's anger And strong too Strong in who I am Know my roots Where I come from Then I realized She was dead I went to her Mom, you're dead I said Well someone should have told me that She said Same mom there as here Just different rooms Of the same house I went to her Hugged her Wanting to cry But tears Stuck Promise me, you'll come back She would She said And my reply I want to be close to you. It just hurts so much. And then Poof My mom Gone And I'm awake 3:30 in the morning Writing My dream So I remember If I ever doubt The Other Room How close it is And that Life exists Beyond Here and Now That Soul Eternal Death Is the soul Moving from One room To another That she is still alive In Spirit In Soul For this Is life When We feel Alone Abandoned Hopeless Despair It is just Old flooring Breaking Through To deeper Wells Of Faith We Now Know |
Mama Megan
Hi friends, I write from the heart to tell my life story, and the story of those in my neighborhood called life. Research shows that our children's emotional & mental health is contingent upon us parents being able to tell our life story, or "coherent narrative." This is my coherent narrative, my life story in the making, with some of what I love in life too. My goal is to share my life in a way that is real, uplifting & positive- sometimes serious, sometimes fun. In my practice, I inspire parents to empowerment through reclaiming our life stories and learning respectful discipline. My work is my offering to our children- our future. Wishing you all a happy family! 
Photo by J Jean Portraits
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