Megan Barella
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Grandma Mary's Birthday

10/29/2014

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Today is my mom's birthday. She would have been 64. It's her first birthday not being here. I've felt a little bit of everything today. Sad of course. Inspired I am here alive. Thankful for all the gifts she gave me: love of friends & family, the Earth, art, and laughter.  I cried a lot looking through photos of her on my computer today. Searching for that perfect picture to post. Realizing I don't have one on my computer, for which I cried a different type of tears.  

As one friend said, "losing your mom is like losing your way, no matter how old you are." True that. Since I lived far away from my mom the last 15 years, our relationship was mostly over the phone. I miss those lifeline phone calls. She was the only person I could call to chat before 7 am. She was always supportive of me. She worried, but what mom doesn't? I'm learning the art of practicing trust & empowerment with my own child. 

A few weeks ago, I really wanted to talk to her.  Hear her voice. My mom was a great listener. I called her cell. Just to see. You never know; maybe she'd answer. Or I'd have some great conversation with a stranger. "This person is currently unavailable," was what I got. Not even temporarily unavailable. I tried. But it's a different kind of communication to connect with her now.

This week she has been with me, more than ever since she passed away. I know in my heart that she is 100 % there for me. It's a matter of me unlocking my fears & pain to be able to connect with her.  Of me forgiving her. Forgiveness is one of the many life themes I am working on. Still. It gets tiring. This work of forgiveness. Haven't I done enough forgiveness in my life? When can I be done?  Like we are ever done with forgiveness.  And I know as forgive her, I'm able to listen to all she has to teach me and receive her gifts. 

My mom shared many gifts with me today.

  • This card sits right in front of my computer screen, so I see it while I type. 

Picture

My sister and I sent this to our mom for her birthday right before my son was born six years ago. It is such a powerful statement of how I feel about my life, your life, and every person's life. If I can do my small part to support people in following their hearts, I will have done something for the world. And the biggest piece of that is living my own life purpose, doing in my heart what I know I am meant to do.

  • Gratitude, too. Being thankful for my life. Because I really do love my life. Even though sometimes I forget.  Today I met with a parent through my Parenting Ally program who reminded me the importance of being thankful.  She is reading Maya Angelou's latest book, which is autobiographical. (I forgot to ask her for the title. When I did a google search for the book, I found Mom & Me & Mom about Maya Angelou's relationship with her own mother.  I wonder if this is it?)  Yes, being thankful.  What the parent shared from the book  is the power of having gratitude for the simple things that are actually huge, and that we often take for granted. I have the ability to write this post. I can think. I can get up and walk into the kitchen. So much to be thankful for. Truly. 

  • A beautiful, inspiring message from Lauryn Hill unstuck my writer's block today.   Powerful three minutes.  Give it a listen.

  • A walk in the woods. Fall was my mom's favorite time of year. The leaves are still so beautiful here in Oregon. Not like New York, but pretty still.

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  • Back to looking for a picture of my mom.  I want to find one that captures her essence. Then I remember one of my all time favorite picture of my mom is on Facebook. Her senior picture.


Picture

When she had so much life in her. Beautiful lady. Inside and out.  Miss her so. Happy Birthday, Mom. Thanks for all the gifts.
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The Other Room

10/26/2014

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Month of May
Longest month
Of my life
A year
It was
That month
I'm certain

My mom's house
I go

To feel
The void
Of her
Ghost town
Rest of us
Still here

Miss her
Most
In her house
Mornings
Driving
Utica s
treets
Upstate country side
Among
Rolling 
Hills
Valleys
Then too

In her house
Tears

Well up
In her kitchen
Wishing
She were alive


In my head
I hear
Her words
But I annoyed you anyhow. You could barely be in the same room with me sometimes.
And I laugh
And cry
Because she is right
But
I miss her 

Still

Just makes it 
Harder
Complicated
Layers
Of loss
Of sadness
Of pain

Death
So final
So empty
So lonely
Yet the wounds
Why do they linger on
After she is gone?

For one month
It's like this
Layers 

Upon 
Layers
Mourning
Life
Childhood 

Abuse
Cancer
Death


Lost in layers
I am
And I don't feel 

Her
Not at all
Not one bit
Like
She's gone
Forever
Mom 

You left me
Can't you take the pain with you?

But the door
To possibility

To healing
I locked
Because
It hurt

Too much

Faith  

Tested
For

I believe
Life and Death

Are different rooms
In the same house
But now

Life and Death
Feel 

Disconnected
Alien
Opposite
Of two rooms

In the same house


Faith
What
I needed 

Most
Now
Gone
Had I ever k
nown faith?
A hole

Was there
Where faith 

Once
Lived

My wounds
Taking
Time
To heal
Left

Faith
Hanging


So I sat
In the dark
Going
Nowhere
Siting
In the empty
Parking lot
Of life
In a broken car
Waiting
For a jump
Of faith

For struggle
As well as
Joy
I know
Faith

Our common bond

I hit a bottom
Of my well

Not caring
One way
Or the other

Going through the motions
Of my life

While knowing
Deep inside
Our well
Is eternal
But feeling
At the moment
At the bottom
Of my life

Then

She came
To me
In a dream
But it was real
Our time together
In that dream
No different
Than our time

Together
When she was
Alive

Except the blocks
They were gone
And I knew
We were both free
And she told me


Put down the wine glass
And create
Do my art
Be gentle with my boy's anger
And strong too
Strong in who I am

Know my roots
Where I come from

Then
I realized
She was dead
I went to her
Mom, you're dead
I said
Well someone should have told me that
She said
Same mom there as here

Just different rooms
Of the same house

I went to her
Hugged her
Wanting to cry
But tears
Stuck
Promise me, you'll come back
She would

She said
And my reply
I want to be close to you. It just hurts so much.

And then
Poof
My mom
Gone
And I'm awake
3:30 in the morning
Writing
My dream

So I remember
If I ever doubt
The Other Room
How close it is
And that
Life exists
Beyond
Here and Now
That Soul Eternal

Death
Is the soul
Moving from
One room
To another
That she is still alive
In Spirit
In Soul

For this
Is life
When
We feel 

Alone
Abandoned
Hopeless
Despair

It is just

Old flooring
Breaking Through
To deeper
Wells
Of Faith

We
Now
Know









4 Comments

    Categories

    All
    Getting To Gold
    Positive Parenting
    Reflections
    Summer Magic

    Mama Megan

    Hi friends,  I write from the heart to tell my life story, and the story of those in my neighborhood called life. Research shows that our children's emotional & mental health is contingent upon us parents being able to tell our life story, or "coherent narrative."  This is my coherent narrative, my life story in the making, with some of what I love in life too. My goal is to share my life in a way that is real, uplifting & positive- sometimes serious, sometimes fun. In my practice, I inspire parents to empowerment through reclaiming our life stories and learning respectful discipline. My work is my offering to our children- our future. Wishing you all a happy family!

    Picture
    Photo by J Jean Portraits

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